Super Heroes vs Foot Odor

It’s been far too long since my last blog.  I could give you some excuse like ‘I’ve been too busy’, or ‘Work has been crazy’, but that wouldn’t be the truth.  I was actually saving the planet from a group of rogue ninjas disguised as sugar plum fairies…hmmm… I don’t even know what a real sugar plum fairy looks like, excuse me, I’m going to go and Google it really fast……….

……Okay I’m back and sugar plum fairies look just like ballerinas with wings, kind of disappointing actually.  I was hoping for something more fearsome, although, with a name like sugar plum fairies I’m not sure why I would have expected anything else.

So, maybe I wasn’t really saving the world from ninjas disguised as sugar plum fairies, but it was something very similar, or rather, it was something different every day.  We have accumulated quite the collection of super heroes and super villains, play swords, lightsabers, nerf guns etc etc etc… Needless to say, we have some epic battles, even with the sides being completely imbalanced. 

“Why are the sides completely imbalanced?”

I am glad you asked!  (See the great thing about being the guy writing the blog is you can do whatever you want, you can even create fake people to ask you questions that you want people to ask.)

Jordan is the dictator of the toys when it comes to play time, and it usually plays out like gym class in junior high.  Jordan chooses all the best guys for his team and we get left with, hmm, how can I put this nicely… , ‘the underappreciated’.   The team splitting process goes something like this:

Jordan says, “Okay, I get Superman, Batman, Flash, Green Lantern, Hulk and Optimus Prime.”

Then, “Daddy and mommy get… this horse, a car, the Black Power Ranger with one leg and a piece of already chewed gum… and I guess you can have this magic boot that can make your guy fly.  Oh wait, no, I need the magic boot for Batman, you can have this tractor, but the tractor can’t talk he can only Moo, like in Cars.  Oh yeah, and the Power Ranger needs to go to the hospital. (he takes what would have been the Captain of my team and puts him on the counter in the kitchen next to the dish drying rack next to the other Power Rangers that are missing limbs, which is ALL of the Power Rangers.)

Now we have our teams and the battle begins and it goes like this:  “Laser vision! sharp bat! Hulk Smash! I am Optimus Prime! Super speed!  You’re all dead, I WIN!!!”

Jodi and I will say something like “That’s not fair, we didn’t even get to do anything.  Let’s make new teams okay and we will have another battle.”

Repeat the team selection process with some variations:

Jordan, “Okay I get Superman, Flash, 3 Batmans, Lex Luthor (from Crisis on Two Earths, because that Lex Luthor was a good guy.), Hulk, Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, this bag of Army Mens, Green Lantern, Ironman and Spiderman.”

“You get this motorcycle guy, Woody (from Toy Story), this ball, this horse, and my stinky sock.”

Sigh…I wish I had the magic boot, at least, so the stinky sock could fly.

NEVER FORGET THE MORNING BREATH!!!!!

I’m a morning person.  As soon as my eyes open my brain is firing on all cylinders.  Within ten seconds of rolling out of bed I could be doing multiplication tables like a world champion 4th grader, my brain just activates instantly.  I can wake up, be in a great mood, sing and dance with such enthusiasm that Jodi, quite often I’m sure, is tempted to use her flat iron on my earlobes.  Her animosity towards me in the morning is befuddling, I mean, who doesn’t love rocking out to Miley Cyrus first thing in the morning?  My chard earlobes can tell you the answer to that.  You see, Jodi and Jordan don’t like mornings, which is understandable, I think I am probably in the minority in this country.  This characteristic of Jordan’s makes him kind of tricky to wake up in the morning on the days he doesn’t do so by himself.  Sometimes the hardest part of my day is the brainstorm session that happens in the hallway outside his bedroom door while I figure out how to wake him up without him turning into raging ball of Disney blanket and face melting morning breath.  Seriously, I don’t know if it’s just him or all little kids, but his morning breath could be used in biological warfare, or maybe I could bottle it up and sell it to the S.W.A.T. Team as an alternative to tear gas.  Bad breath or not, Jordan is still tricky to wake up.  You have to be creative because the same thing doesn’t usually work over and over again and definitely not on consecutive days.  My most commonly used method is playing some music, he loves music.  Playing one of his favorite songs is usually a good opening tactic to begin the waking up process, but it doesn’t always work.  There have been a few times where I’ve tried to wake him up with one of his favorites, the Glee version of Poker Face, and he has instantly transformed into an angry burrito by rolling himself up in his blanket while yelling at me to go away.  When he goes ‘burrito’ it usually means that I’m going to have to physically harm myself to get him out of bed in a good mood.  What is it with little kids thinking the funniest thing in the world is seeing a grown up stubbing a toe or falling on the floor or just being in physical pain in general?  I think Jordan seeing me being kicked in the face by his Buzz Lightyear doll, it is NOT very soft, by the way, sends an electrical current directly to whatever part of his brain causes him to laugh.  So, when he goes ‘burrito’, I end up on the losing end of a wrestling match with Buzz, Spiderman, and the really soft cuddly blue reindeer(who, contrary to appearances, is a vicious and brutal and unrelenting warrior).  By the time the kicking of my butt is over Jordan is sitting up in bed, laughing and cheering on his stuffed friends…don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.  At this point it is usually safe to pick Jordan up and head downstairs.  Unfortunately, I tend to forget one major detail as we are walking down the stairs…
“Daddy?”
“Yes Jordan?”
Jordan puts his forehead to mine and looks right in my eyes and very breathily whispers,
“I want cereal.”

My face melts off.

Lover and a fighter...

Today is Valentines Day.  So, in light of this day I’m changing things up a little bit here on my blog.  Instead of writing about the cutest kid in the world and our antics together, I’m going to write about the woman who brought that wonderful little boy into my life.  The woman who, because she is such a great mom, has inspired me to be a great dad.  Today’s post is a love letter to the love of my life, Jodi Smith.

Dearest Jodi,
     I love it when you fall asleep on my chest while I’m reading a book.  I could stare at you for hours and thank God every second for bringing you into my life.  I know that I complain about your hair tickling my nose, but secretly I love it.  I love waking up and making you breakfast, although I don’t do it enough.  When I do things to take care of you I feel as if I am doing what I was born to do, like I was put on this earth to make you feel adored.  Every time you smile my heart grows to accommodate the ever increasing amount of love I have for you, but even then my heart overflows.  Because of you, my love spills out into everything I do.  Everything I touch is improved by your presence in my life.  I am a better person because of you.  These words I write, today and everyday, wouldn’t be possible without you.  I could still write, sure, but it would be a cold and bland meal compared the rich feast that you inspire.  I promise to always love you and never take you for granted.  I promise to hold open doors for you and hold your hand when we go for walks.  I promise to always fight for your heart and protect it with all that I am.  I promise to never let a day go by where I don’t tell you that I love you and that you are beautiful.  I promise to always be your best friend, as you are mine.  Your beauty amazes me everyday and I can’t believe that an angel like you has chosen ME!   Thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for sharing your life with me.  You truly inspire me, make me better, make me happy and make me whole.  I love you Jodi, Happy Valentines Day.

Yours Truly,
     Jeremy

Fauxhawk of Awesomness

     Today I did the impossible.  Today I tamed a wild beast.  This wasn’t just any wild beast, this was the most stubborn and unkempt wild beast of all wild beasts.  This beast has been staring me in the face for years, taunting me, daring me to approach it.  Well, today I approached it.  I walked right up to this beast, my weapon in hand and slew it.  Yes, today I did the impossible.  Today, I combed Jordans hair. 

It sounds silly, but Jordan is very particular when it comes to his hair.  You almost have to trick him.  Well, actually, I do have to trick him.  I pretend I am wetting his face to wash it with one hand, but with the other hand I am, unbeknownst to him, wetting his hair.  Once this trickery is accomplished I point out that his hair has gotten wet and ask if I can fix it for him.  He’ll say something like “Yes father, I would be most pleased if you would fix my hair for me.  I would be terribly embarrassed if I showed up at day care with such an awful mess upon my head.”  I’m paraphrasing, of course.  So, I get out a comb and see what I can do with his bed hair. 

     Today, I took it a step further and threw in some gel and spiked it up like mine in sort of a faux hawk of pure awesomeness and power.  I could tell he felt the power of the faux hawk surging through him.  Because at that moment he scrunched up his face and squinted his eyes, effectively putting on his ‘bad guy hunting face’.  Next thing I know he is walking around the house Ironman blasting everything.  He extends his arm, palm facing outward, and takes aim.  Who will be his next victim?  Pair of shoes, OBLITERATED!  Trashcan, DESTROYED!  Christmas tree (yes, our Christmas tree is still up) BURNED TO A CRISP!!!  Nothing and nobody is safe in our home when Jordan goes into Ironman mode.  It makes it really hard to get ready for the day when you have to dodge repulsor blasts every thirty seconds and spend half the morning writhing on the floor in pain from a point blank repulsor wound. 

     We somehow manage to get out the door and get Jodi to work on time.  Jordan has calmed down; he’s in the back seat playing with my iPhone.  He hasn’t talked in a few minutes, he is in the zone, mesmerized by the game or video he is currently playing or watching.  He seems to be oblivious to the world around him and he doesn’t see the big truck we are pulling up next to.  He loves big trucks, so, being the good dad that I am, I point it out.  He looks up and out the window, extents his right arm toward the truck, palm facing out and yells “BOOM!!!!” then promptly returns to his regularly scheduled program.  Pardon me for interrupting. 

A hero in the making...

I asked Jordan what he wanted me to write about today.  He gave me one word, BATMAN.  This one word speaks volumes to me.  There are so many angles and aspects to this one word when it comes to my life, and also in mine and Jordan’s relationship.  To us Batman isn’t just a word, it’s a symbol, a symbol of our imaginations, a symbol of our hearts desires, a symbol of our rivalry and my rivalry with some friends of mine as well.  You see, I’m a Superman fan, the most noble, powerful, humble, courageous, and pure hearted super hero of them all.  Some of my friends, as well as Jordan, are Batman fans and we have an ongoing battle about who is better, Superman, of course, but they don’t have their heads on straight, obviously so I let them get away with it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of all super heroes, something about super heroes gets me right at my core.  Even right now as I type the words SUPER HEROES something inside me stirs with excitement, as if my very soul has butterflies.  Super heroes aren’t just characters in cartoons and comic books to me, they are much more real, what they stand for is what I try to stand for.  Strength, chivalry, love, self sacrifice, courage, hope and faith; these are the words that I try to live by.  Although I’ve messed up countless times in my life and I will never be perfect I will always strive to be a better man and a hero to Jodi and Jordan.
Jordan actually calls me Superman sometimes, a fact that warms my heart.  We will be watching a cartoon and Superman will appear and he’ll say “Daddy, it’s you!”, then Batman will appear and he say “Daddy, it’s me!” then the Flash will show up and he’ll say “Daddy, it’s Momma!”.  I don’t recall how exactly Jodi got dubbed The Flash, but I’m glad she did, he’s one of my top three.  Apparently that’s what we are all supposed to be for Halloween this year as well, according to Jordan.
I think Jordan’s love for super heroes is a great sign of his character.  I believe he has a heroes heart, especially when it comes to his mom.  He knows just the things to say to melt her heart.  Just last night, while the three of us were laying on the couch, he looked up at Jodi and said “You’re beautiful Momma.”
That’s my boy.

I’ll write more about the Superman and Batman debate in the future, I just wanted to get this post up.  There are so many things that I want to say right now, but I am running short on time, so please keep tuning in for updates.

Not a swirling vortex before breakfast again!

I’m going to try something a little different.  I’m feeling a little quirky today, so I’m going to switch up my style a little bit.  Today, instead of telling you something that has happened in the life of Jodi, Jordan and I, I’m going to just make up a story as I’m typing.  There is no premeditation about what the content of this story is; I am literally making this up as I go along.  I warn you, it will be random, it will be weird and out there.  That should be all the more reason to read it right?  So, hold on to your brains, because I am about to blow your minds!

This morning started off as any normal morning, with me sleeping.  That’s where the normality ended.  I heard whispering coming through the baby monitor, it was too low for me to understand, so I did what any awesome person would do.  I yelled “STEAMROLLER!!!”, then proceeded to roll over the top of Jodi and off of her side of the bed, because that is the side of the bed the monitor is on.  Jodi awoke, completely confounded by what just happened, and immediately asked me for some taffy cookies and milk.  I, of course, told her that the dog ate the last of the taffy cookies and the cat drank the milk, which is absurd because we don’t have a cat or a dog, and if we did I would definitely not let the dog eat my taffy cookies, everybody knows that dogs prefer vanilla wafers.  Anyway, I digress, back to the whispering in the monitor.  I could hear it every so slightly, it wasn’t Jordan’s voice at all, it was actually the voice of Abraham Lincoln and he was reciting the ever so famous Gettysburg Address.  That’s odd, I thought, why is Abraham Lincoln up so early?  I decided to go ask him myself, so I dashed up the stairs and into the room of my favorite 3 year old.  Upon entering the room I noticed three things:  first, I noticed that Jordan’s room was a mess; second, I noticed that it was rather windy in his room, which explains the mess;  and finally, I noticed that there was a giant purplish, blackish, swirly vortex, complete with lighting and thunder, where his window should have been.  This, I thought, was also very strange because I was absolutely positive that I had turned the vortex off last night when I tucked Jordan in.  This, obviously, was very bad.  Do you have any idea how much it costs to run a giant swirly vortex all night?  Jodi is going to tan my hide when she finds out that I left the vortex on again.
Oh dear.
I noticed a fourth thing.
Jordan’s bed was empty.
I yelled downstairs “Babe!  Jordan has gone into the vortex again, I’m going to have to go get him.  Can you make me some pancakes?!”
Without waiting for an answer I plugged my nose and jumped into the vortex.
Why did I plug my nose you ask?  That’s a silly question.  Obviously, you have never gotten vortexaplasmic goo up your nose, it is quite unpleasant, almost as unpleasant as gum in your hair;  which is coincidental, because peanut butter is the solution to both problems.
Going through a vortex the first time is terrifying, but once you get used the spinning, and flipping and you learn how to handle vortex gnomes and can keep them from tying your shoes together it’s actually quite enjoyable.  This particular vortex ride was just splendid.  Had it been a little longer, though, I would have definitely upgraded to first class so I could enjoy a nice meal while I traveled.  Maybe lobster or boiled goose, then again, I’m rather in the mood for Jodi’s tilapia piccata.  If you’ve never had Jodi’s tilapia piccata I suggest you try it someday, it is soooooo scrumptious.
You keep distracting me from my story, shame on you!
Okay, so, upon exiting the vortex I am immediately confronted by a 35 foot tall tyrannosaurus rex, in full roar, inches from my face.  What do you do in a situation such as this?  Well, in the movie Jurassic Park, I believe they said to hold still because the t-rex has trouble seeing anything that isn’t moving.  That’s a complete fallacy, they can see quite well whether an object is moving or not.  Otherwise, they would be terrible at basketball, which I can assure you, they are not; despite having tiny arms, the t-rex seem to have a talent for the sport.  So, what do I do when face to face with a roaring t-rex?  The same thing I always do.
“Nice try, George, you’ll have to wake up a lot earlier to get the jump on me.”
“Come on, you know I scared you, just a little?  Maybe I made your heart jump just slightly?”  responded the t-rex with a British accent.
Please don’t tell me you didn’t know that all tyrannosaurs spoke with a British accent, you really are ignorant aren’t you?  Don’t tell George that he has an accent though, he’s rather sensitive about it and insists that it is the rest of the world that speaks with an accent and not the tyrannosaurs.
“Nope sorry George.  We still on for Thursday?”  I asked.
“Yep, Margaret, the kids and I will be there around 6.  I forgot, though, are we bringing salad or a casserole?”
“Hmmm… I can’t remember, I’ll have Jodi shoot you a text and let you  know later today.  You haven’t seen Jordan around here have you?  I left the vortex on again last night and Jordan wandered off.”
My scale covered British friend replied, “Oh dear, Jodi is going to mad when she finds out you left that vortex on again.  You really should think of upgrading to one of the new Energy Star compliant vortex’s.  Then, it wouldn’t be such a big deal when you left it on all night.”
“I know, I know, I know.  But have you seen Jordan?  I really am in kind of a hurry.”
“Nope, sorry Jeremy, I haven’t seen him, but if I do I’ll tell him to head straight home.”
“Alright, thank you George.  See you on Thursday.”

I continued on my merry way in search for my rogue three year old.  I stopped by all of his usually hang outs.  First was the frog tag arena, where instead of using laser guns to tag people, you each carry a frog, and when you get somebody  in your sights you give your frog a slight squeeze and he will shoot his or her tongue out.  Five tags and you are out until only one person is left standing.  This game originated in ancient Greece, but back then they used poison frogs and they fought to the death.
Next stop was the Fakery.  It’s like a bakery, but everything is fake, so you can’t really eat any of it.  But, seeing as how Jordan loves playing with fake food it is one of his favorite spots.
Jordan was at neither of these places, so I continued down the street until I got to the sloth track.  Obviously, this is where they have the sloth races.  Terribly boring, as I’m sure you could have surmised.  They have yet to complete their first race and the track has been open for twenty three years.  What everybody doesn’t know is that the owners of the track collected bets for the first ten years then split town.  Everybody is going to be extremely angry when, or if, this race every finishes.
No Jordan here either.  Hmmmm….
LIGHTBULB!
I immediately knew where he was and headed in that direction.  Two blocks over and one block up, on the corner of Pumpernickel Ave and Gertrude St., there he was.  Sitting amongst four extremely elderly men, whom you may know, was my favorite little guy in his Buzz Lightyear pajamas and clutching a Spiderman doll.
“Theo, Abe, Tom, Wash.  How you guys doing this morning?”
“Just fine.” replied Abraham Lincoln “We’ve been expecting you.  We had a bet going to see how long it would take you to get here.  Jordan won… again.  Which is pretty amazing, since he doesn’t understand the value of minutes and seconds and hours.”
“Is that true Jordan?”  I asked my son.
“Yes, daddy, but Wash was close.  Did you stop by Mrs. Hippos house?”
“Nope, not today, I knew she was out of town.”  I replied.
“I knew it!  That’s another five bucks for me Tom!  Haha!”  Jordan exclaimed.
“Well, are you ready to get going?  Momma is making pancakes.”
“Yippeeeeee!  Pancakes!  I’ll see ya later guys!”
And with that Jordan took off.  Not running, as you would expect.  He literally TOOK OFF.  Like, he flew away, with a jet pack(courtesy of Santa).
I’m never going to beat him home now.  I ran as fast as I could run, which definitely wasn’t going to be fast enough, but I needed to remind Jordan not to tell his mother that I left the vortex on.  The vortex came into view as I rounded the last corner and I saw Jordan disappear into it.  Drat!  Please don’t tell her, please don’t tell her, please don’t tell her.  This was my mantra, said in time with each step I took all the way back to and through the vortex.  Please don’t tell her please don’t tell her please don’t tell her.
I emerged from the vortex just in time to hear the words that sealed my fate.
“Momma, Daddy left the vortex on all night again!”
Little tattle-tale.
I smelled the pancakes and looked longingly down the hallway where that heavenly smell originated from and where my punishment, also, was waiting for me.  Then I looked back at the swirling vortex…Sloth Track doesn’t sound so bad right now, then I stepped through.

Jedi Mind Tricks From a 3 Year Old

     Jordan has super powers.  Well, maybe it’s just super power, singular.  I haven’t determined what the specific power is yet; it could be one of a few things or a few things combined.  I’ve been studying him very closely and there is definitely something there, something strong.  Sometimes it seems like he has some sort of mind control powers, and other times it seems he has super strength.  It could be both, I suppose, but it has to be at least the mind control, I’ve seen it in action many many times.  Here’s an example:  Jordan asks for a cookie.  I tell him no, he needs to finish his fruit.  He walks over to me, gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and looks at me and smiles the biggest, cutest, blue eyed smile and says “Pawease Daddy, can I have a cookie?”   Next thing I know he’s sitting there eating a cookie and I’m left scratching my head.  As you can see, there is definitely some mind control action going on, or maybe the ability to force his will on people.  It can’t be just words alone, I have noticed, the smiles, hugs and kisses have some sort of psychological weakening affect. 

     The other power I was speaking of, the super strength, seems to work best in the morning; at least, that’s the only time I have seen this particular power manifested.  Sometimes Jordan wakes up pretty early, so we bring him into our room to lay with us, at which point he usually falls back asleep.  When it is time for Jodi to get up out of bed, which she has a hard enough time doing, Jordan will reach across her with one arm and hold her down.  He is sleeping when he does this, so this power doesn’t take any conscious effort.  He effortlessly holds Jodi in bed with just one hand, it is astounding.  There is a psychological side to this as well, you see, when Jordan wraps his arm around her, sort of in a half hug and snuggles up to her while rendering her powerless… she smiles!  It seems that Jordan has the ability to not only physically over-power someone much larger than him, but he also has the ability to make her not want to move as well.   Jodi seems to enjoy this ‘super power cuddle hold’; I dare say she loves it.  I wonder if this particular power only works on his mother, it definitely seems to at least be more powerful against her.   Of course, she is quite the sucker when it comes to that boy.  Not me, of course, I have a much stronger will…

Tiny voice from another room..

“What’s that?  You want another cookie?  No, I’m sorry Jordan… What kind of cookie do you want?”